Going Under
by Abigail-Nicole
Summary: Raven paints while music plays, examining the shards of her life as she slowly slips under the brink. Songfic.


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Going Under

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Summary: Raven paints while music plays, examining the shards of her life as she slowly slips under the brink. Songfic.

Notes: Song is 'Going Under' by Evanescense, lyrics courtesy of me listening to the song too many times, so if they're slighly off, oh well. some things uncapatilized and incorrectly punctuated for effect. Sort of stream-of-consciousness even though it is third person.

Disclaimer: Don't own Raven or the Titans, kay?

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Now I will tell you what I've done for you

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...the brush slowly touched the paper, light as a feather brushing her soul, feather as black as a raven she was, brushing against the black broken shards of her soul. Trapped, concealed, supressed, broken. Pink at her core, black at her heart, black as her soul but her favorite color was pink. Shades of grey, shades of blood, shades of red, pink of red, pink the color of love, pink a lesser shade of him...

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Fifty thousand tears I've cried  
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you 

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the room seemed to twist around her where the brush touched the paper, sky beneath her as the wind flew her wings, black feathers mocking her in pink, pink on a black expanse so broad the pink was all soaked into it. Her hand trembled, then steadied herself, an artist's hand had to be sure and she had to be sure. She could not waver now. She was walking the edge of the knife and to waver was to fall and plunge it into her heart, blood as red as he was. His soul was red, red of passion, red of youth and energy and love and strength and him...

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and you still won't hear me   
|g|o|i|n|g|___|u|n|d|e|r| 

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she took a deep breath, thoughts swirling in her head. No. She forced herself to survey the whole picture, watching it with the truth. Orange, red, blue, green, and violet, violet so dark it almost faded into the black background. Orange and red together again, as always. Orange and Red worked together, both shades of light and heat, passion, that needed each other. Violet--violent--fading, slipping into the background, always unnoticed by the others. Purple really, the purest shade of blue, but purple and red would never look right together, clashed, didn't work, too brooding and clashing. Dark and Light, shadow and flame, professor plum and miss scarlett, and it was as impossible as that...

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don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself  
maybe I'll wake up for once 

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...besides, this was all too dangerous, too dangerous for her. Love was not for her, never something possible, not with the demon she had to keep hidden. Oh how she longed for pink, to claw her way free of this black, to somehow grasp onto the utterly superficial, to hold it and for once know happiness without any consequences, to be even a faint shadow of him, red and sincere, pink and happy....

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Not tormented daily defeated by you  
just when I thought I'd reached the bottom 

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but she was at the bottom, the bottom of her life, crawling from the muck at the depths of her soul, hiding behind cool facade and superficial comments, screaming for help with her last breath while refusing to cry aloud. But emotion was not hers...no, she would not do this to herself again, not again, not over a comment from him, not over something he threw out so casually and never even noticed when the knife cut her heart...

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I'm dying again  
I'm going under  
drowning in you 

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...the bastard, never, never thought he troubled her, never thought of her at all, touched her then left her....red and orange, the fire buring away in her soul, killing her, buring her alive while he laughed. This was her life, now, crawling among the blackness at the pit of her own heart while he laughed her off as she cried herself to sleep, caring too much, caring not enough, never caring as her soul turned against her and ripped her to shreds...

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I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through   
going under 

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...falling through the pain of her soul to hit the bottom, drowning in the tears she had cried and the redness that was him, blood in her veins. Why had no one noticed that she wasn't breathing? Why didn't anyone come to rescue her? Why was her scream so silent as it ripped her throat like a knife, welding its way into heart as if he had thrown it with his own hand...

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blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
someone tell me what's real and what's not  
tell me what's real and what's not (echo)  
what's real and what's not (echo) 

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nothing is real, nothing but him and the reality of him never with her, the hard reality of that. All else was stone cobwebs holding her here, trapping her in the pit of her own soul, condemned within the blackness as she clawed toward the pink surface. pink, fuschia, magenta, crimson, yes, even orange, it didn't matter as long as it was never black, never red, but the only red she ever saw was him and blood...

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always confusing the thoughts in my head  
so I can't trust myself anymore 

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orange, always orange, orange variants of red. what she wouldn't give to be orange, to be able to touch the light without screaming, to embrace the light and dance again, to be as carefree as orange, to know who she was and the depths of her sadness be petty misunderstandings. But they didn't, they never would, because orange was the opposite of purple, orange and yellow, happiness, laughs instead of screams...how long had it been since she had laughed? never since him, never since him, and he never even knew it...

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I'm dying again  
I'm going under  
drowning in you  
I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm  


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she would die for him, would throw herself at his feet, would attack him, would kill herself and him both just to stop all this chaos in her soul, but death was not the end and she didn't know what there was beyond that except fear, fear and darkness of the pit of her own soul. Oh how she longed for the deep sweet dreaming, but it was always denied to her, never something attainable, always unreachable, tantalizingly close but so far away, laughing at her, taunting her with its unfair reachability to all shades of normal colors. But purple was not a normal color, it was the lightest shade of black, the true shades of blue, colors of the angel of death, mystery, despair thinly wrapped in misery, it was the darkest deepest pit of Hell itself...Hell was not red---Hell was purple....

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so go on and scream, scream at me  
I'm so far away  
I won't be broken again 

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...no, she had done this too many times, poured out her heart's blood for him, too many nights she had let a tear slip down her cheek for him, for what could never be and what never would be, and she refused to shed any more blood for him, blood mingling with tears as they were squeezed from her with his gaze alone, strangling her, unable to breathe around him...

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I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under 

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but she was already under, her breath was already gone, and all red was turned to black. Black as her soul, black as her heart, pink at her core...

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I'm dying again  
I'm going under  
drowning in you  
I'm falling forever  
got to break through, I'm  
going under  
going under  
going under 

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Notes: Orange=Starfire, Red=Robin, Green=Beastboy, Blue=Cyborg, and I will leave it to your imagination to decide who Raven is. I might be doing one with every Evanescense song, all Raven-centered, or at least with 'My Immortal' and maybe 'Hello' for a twisted Starfire-dead fic. Maybe 'Imaginary' because I love that song so much. Depression is not to be blamed on me. I might go through and do one for each character...a songfic...hmm. Ideas, ideas, ideas. Anyway, review and love ya all! Um, and I apologize for my unusual non-Starfire-centricity...is that a word? oh well.

Purple Abi...wait, I'm not that depressed... 


End file.
